You cant touch me now, leave me if you want, you cant hurt me now...

Did I ever mention that a lot of the time paranoia makes me right? the girl I like... well i guess she didnt lie, but she withheld the truth. something that ironically i feared for a good long while.

remember i said that she was gone since Saturday? no word from her? no replies till late at night? know what happened? some guy she knew from Vancouver took a one way bus ticket down to see her when she was super sick. so sick shes been telling me she cant even get out of bed. but because she didnt want to send him home he stayed there all three days. with her. in her apartment with her and her mom.

so what do i discover? he said "i want to try dating" so they are. wow. thats funny, coulda sworn I asked for a single date to see how it would go and got told "I dont want a boyfriend since im moving". she says right now its just dating, not sure if it will become bf/gf. thanks for giving me a chance. If all I had to do was show up and not leave I would have done that too.

so she asks me how I feel about it. and I tell her. I actually calmly explain myself, im a little blunt but come on, im rather upset here. I tell her that this is my kind of luck and she gets mad at me and says "if you want to group me with those other people who hurt you then thats fine, ill leave"

wow. that went out of context. I meant on the cosmic level i usually start to get what I want and it blows up in my face. she was still upset, even after I explained i want her to be happy even if it isnt with me but at the same time ill still wish it was me. and she said "I dont know if i can be friends with someone who says that"

Heres the thing, i explained how this form of vampirism works with me. I had a great day and absorbed a lot of positive energy. but when I get upset when im positive, i get angry, not sad. I tried my best to be as calm to her as possible but still let her know I was interested. we had amazing times together and still it took 3 days from this guy just showing up for it to happen. so what if she did eventually like me back? shes already chosen someone else over me so what would I be to her? the #2 choice?

Ive had a lot of people tell me to drop it, stop thinking on her like that and i refused to look at any possible negatives she had. look at how things really went. we enjoyed our time together but id break my god damn back for this girl without a thank you or any form of appreciation. she says she has to spend time with someone to know if she likes them but she never MADE time to see me. Ive stood by her to help her with everything, she feels better, and some other guy just pops up and OH look, shes with him now.

thats a familiar tune i havent heard in many years. helping someone get better and then having them walk away. Im tired of playing this game. I try to save the world and I can count on one hand how many people have been grateful for what ive done for them in that way. Will I ever stop caring? no. I am Prometheus. I was designed to be tortured. but at the same time Im feeling that long old sinister edge back inside. Why have I been doing what I do? why have I acted how I act?

im scared of this feeling inside. this wrath. this jealousy. I pour myself into those around me, I try to create something, I try to give to people what they want and need so they can carry it. and what do i get from it all? Im pushed aside. I feel... i feel enraged at everything I couldnt get because of everything i had to go through and yet others have so much i never had the chance to have.

I feel destructive. I feel like im a pawn in everyone elses game and all I do is get passed around. I feel so entirely alone right now. im claustrophobic in my apartment. I want to scream. I cant breath. its so maddening to feel this way. why must i be so angry? why must i be so jealous? I want to belong. I want someone to WANT to be near me. and ive lost that. i wonder if i had it at all.

everyone i know has at least one person. I dont even have a cat.

there we go, depression is kicking in...